I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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