I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize