Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
