His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
