just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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