Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
