I cockslap morals
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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