I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
