You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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