I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
