If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you win again, gameday.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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