Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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