dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
