Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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