The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
