I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
