phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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