I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
