you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
