why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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