i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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