So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
