There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
