your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
