He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
