i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize