i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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