Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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