I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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