after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
