Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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