someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
