my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
