Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
