I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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