Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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