Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm jealous of your bromance
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize