He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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