I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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