I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
