Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize