my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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