dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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