Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
