I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
