no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
