How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up under a house in Key West
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