i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
