I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
