Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
