what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
