i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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