I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
