I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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