Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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