Your mouth is God's brothel.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
