I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
