she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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