I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
