i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
